I discovered this Mrs. Meyers Lavender bar soap a few weeks ago and I have fallen in love. We are already on our second bar. It smells so darn good. We have it in our master bath, and the smell lingers and wafts through the rest of the floor. Love that. I plan to slowly accumulate all the lavender products I can get my grubby (and lovely smelling) hands on.
I suppose it is time to give you an update on my experiment known as
“This pooch has GOT to go” “FUPAs are so 2011″ Paleo diet makes me want to die“How Do I Get Into Shape?”
First things first. Paleo was a huge bust. There’s a reason why Cavemen had to evolve. A lovely side effect of only eating meats, vegetables, eliminating dairy and all grains? The worst lethargy I have ever experienced in my life. And I’ve been pregnant. I’ve experienced the first trimester. I know lethargy. I know being tired. Imagine me falling asleep every time I wasn’t standing. For real. I have never been so sluggish or tired in my life. And that includes when I was getting about 25 minutes of sleep total nightly when Colin was a newborn. In fact, I longed for those days. Just the thought of getting up to get something to eat made me tired. That’s not right. Though, come to think of it, maybe that’s how you lose the weight? Regardless, you shouldn’t feel that way. And you certainly can’t feel that way when you have a kid running around wanting to like, interact and stuff. Throwing toys in his general direction from the couch isn’t exactly great parenting. Though they do it on Teen Mom, so I know I’m not alone. Maybe all the teen moms are on the Paleo diet. Though I’m gonna go on a limb and say I DOUBT IT. But I digress. Paleo had to go. It’s not for me. I need things. Like bread. Bread is magical.
I also started using our new treadmill and my Couch to 5K App. This has been the easiest part of trying to get back into shape. Do you know how often they re-run Teen Mom? Before you know it, an hour has flown by and you are up to date on Chelsea’s new hair color and Jenelle’s pot addiction. Sidenote: that chick needs to get it together. Which one? ALL OF THEM. As an added bonus, I feel like an amazing mom, even if I’ve spent the day sitting on the couch flipping through board books with my child because I could barely work up the energy to play with him properly. That’s more than a Teen Mom does. I’ve never seen a board book on that show. Not once. Clearly, I am a superior parent.
Now the deal with Couch to 5K for an out of shape fattie like me is that they start you off very easy. You start off running like 2 minute intervals with walking breaks. I’m currently on week 5, and now long for the days of 4 minute running intervals. Because those fools want me to run for 6 minutes straight. I suppose they want my next born, too! The saddest part? There was a time in my life when I ran a 6 minute mile. And thought my legs were too skinny. Who wants to kick that skinny girl’s shins with me?
Running for 6 minutes straight is hard, y’all. Especially when your pooch is all, “hold on! I’m right behind you!” There is nothing worse than a slow pooch. It’s timing is all off with my stride:
(Pooch jiggle….and so on. For 30 minutes.)
My pooch clearly needs to get its act together. We are running a 5.7 mile per hour pace, Pooch. This shouldn’t be so hard. Why is it so hard?
This week I added a workout video by Jackie Warner- Xtreme Timesaver Training. You remember Jackie from Bravo’s Workout, naturally. What do you mean Bravo isn’t on a loop at your house 24-7? I’m not weird. YOU’RE weird. Anyway, the workout is basically her answer to Jillian’s 30 Day Shred. I was getting sick of Jillian’s video since I can’t stand her background workout bitches with their inane smiling, so I’m ready to try something different. Switch it up. You know how it is. It’s not at all because I can’t progress past the first half of the second workout phase.
So far, I like it. It’s tough, but it’s good. It centers on weight training and doesn’t incorporate traditional cardio like Jillian’s, but I’ve got the cardio portion with the C25K, so I’m good there. Plus, her backup bitches aren’t too bad. They don’t smile like they are enjoying it and actually struggle with perfect form. They actually tell her they are imagining they are kicking her in the face. I can get behind that. Go workout bitches!
So that’s where things stand. I heard some rumors that Jackie uses speed and drugs and a tiny little eating disorder known as bulimia to get so ripped. Depending on how I look and feel in one week, I’ll be able to confirm or deny that rumor. That’s totally fair, right? Till then….
* A bit from New Girl. That’s a line from the most recent episode and just another reminder why I love that show. Also, Jake Johnson? Call me.
What do you do when you are at the beach, have a husband around to watch the kid and it’s not such a great day, weather-wise? You get your hair did! And so that is what I did.
You may recall, last October I decided to treat myself, you know, for giving birth and all, and got the Brazilian Blowout. Five days after I did that, some silly report came out that said that stuff had formaldyhyde or some such cancer causing agent. Whatever. I loved my hair all straight and not frizzy like a clown. And it stayed that way, until maybe about two months ago. Not too shabby when you think about it. But then I started to notice I was using my straightening iron a lot more, and having to blow dry my hair while the despot screamed at me from whatever restraining device I had placed him in. So I made an appointment to have it touched up. And then I had to cancel that appointment. And then I never rescheduled. Because, you know, the kid makes it hard to sit around a salon for 4 hours getting pampered.
But then we were on vacation. And Kase was around to play with the kidlet. And so I jumped in the car as fast as I could to go to the salon near our beach house. And the great thing about getting it done in Maine, mid-week? I had the salon all to myself and the owner did my hair using the Keratin Complex by Peter Coppola. The owner was Jim, and he was awesome. So awesome, I may consider the two hour drive to get my hair done by him next time I need it cut again. But anyway, my hair is nice and straight now, like so:
Oh, you see my pal there? He gets his wavy/straight hair from me. You’re welcome, little man. Oh and that wasn’t my salon. That was the salon, called Snip-Its, we took Colin to get his hair did. It’s a kids salon with great stylists who in my opinion, should make more than celebrity stylists for how quickly they work and how well they avoid snipping off baby ears. Colin has been a sporting hair that is a mix between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Either way? Not a good look. For a boy anyway. I’m not raising a miniature Tom Brady. Or worse, David Beckham. There will be no headbands on boys in my house. Awww, no. So I’ve been lobbying Kase to agree to take Colin to get his haircut since I have been told now three times how beautiful my daughter is. SAY WHAT?!! OH NO YOU DI’INT! So we took our little despot to get his hair did. And he had a pretty good time.
They started with bribes:
I love the certificate they gave him at the end- he really was brave, considering the amount of around-the-ear-work the stylist had to do. He’s a real handsome devil now- though, he was one before too. I’m just glad I don’t have to put his hair in barettes now. Tom Brady could learn a thing or two.
Have you all seen this new site? I assume yes, since I am always a little slow on the uptake and getting down with the latest and greatest. But this site? Loving it.
This site was created by a makeup artist and hair stylist as well as a certain reality television starlet to demonstrate to regular reality people how to create those perfect beachy waves, or how to apply a winged tip with eyeliner. Now, as someone who owns a curling iron, but uses it to straighten her hair, this is exciting. And it kind of reminds me of when I used to read Seventeen Magazine in grade school and those how to pages were always my favorite.
So do you recognize the reality television star?
It’s Snooki! Just kidding. It’s LC- that’s Lauren Conrad to those of you not obsessed with Laguna Beach and The Hills, like I am. Er, was. (Sidenote funny story: When I first met my husband, I asked him to come over to put together some new furniture at my apartment, and that boy bought me “Laguna Beach: Season 2″ to watch as we worked. I’m pretty sure that was the moment I fell in love.) I love her style, so I’ll be checking in on the site often. I hope she shows how to perfect the one rolling mascara teardrop for maximum effect. That might be useful for emotional bribery. Did I just write that??
And no, that whole “beauty” part is not sarcastic, so stop laughing.
I am not much of a beauty person- I forgo magazines like “Glamour” for my trash bible “US Weekly” every single time. That being said, I like things that make my life simpler, and make me feel good about myself. I present you with “Kate’s Basics”:
Brazilian Blowout or Keratin Treatment
I won’t lie, this shiz is pricey! Which is why I lied to my husband about how much it cost. Just kidding honey. But for realsies, I have what you might call “curly” hair if you were being kind. If you were being honest, you would ask me for the humidity index that day, my hair is so frizzy. So after the despot was born, I deserved a little treat. And a shower. But I digress. I got the Brazilian Blowout and I love it to death. I can hop right out of the shower (30 seconds after I have hopped in, mind you) and let it air dry. And it dries straight. Can I get an Amen?! No? I’ll just high five myself, then.
Burt’s Bees Lip Balm
This stuff is the bees knees! Sorry about that. I couldn’t resist. But its nice and naturally minty and it works. That’s really about all there is to say about lip balm, no?
Couch to 5k App for IPhone
I had a 7 pound baby. I only mention this because when I left the hospital? I was only five pounds lighter. Now, I’m not strong at the maths, but that does not add up to a happy mama. Clearly, I had some work ahead of me. I just didn’t know where to start.
Enter the Couch to 5K App for my iPhone. Me lovey. A nine week program dedicated to getting you off your fat post partum ass and on to a 5K. I may repeat weeks here and there, but for 30-35 despot-free minutes, I feel like I am doing a little bit for the old gut. Not too flabby. Er, shabby.